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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29947422">How to Train Your Tank</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheshire_Hearts/pseuds/Cheshire_Hearts'>Cheshire_Hearts</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Transformers (IDW Generation One)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Dez is also a cat, M/M, Minibot! Deathsaurus, everything is the same except Dez is tiny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:21:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,333</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29947422</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheshire_Hearts/pseuds/Cheshire_Hearts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tarn and the DJD need help from Deathsaurus and his crew to go after Megatron. None of them were expecting what they found when they got to the Warworld however.</p>
<p>Or, the story about how everything’s the same, except Dez barely makes it to Tarn’s knees...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Deathsaurus/Tarn (Transformers)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How to Train Your Tank</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is purely a crack fic and I will likely continue it at some point in the future.<br/>I came up with this idea randomly after looking at one of my HTTYD books and laughing over how great tiny Toothless is and then my brain went: What if Deathsaurus could ride around on Tarn's shoulder? and then this happened...</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Tarn wasn’t anxious or nervous or anything like that. He really wasn’t. But he could admit to himself that he was taking a very large risk at the moment. It was a calculated risk, sure, but there were so many things that could happen or go wrong, so many things you just couldn’t calculate or even think of when planning. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vos was practically vibrating out of his seat and everyone else was tense and anxious and filled with a horrible anticipation that threatened to make Tarn queasy if it went on for much longer. Hopefully, it wouldn’t. The Warworld was already looming in front of them and so far no one had armed its outer weaponry, which was one less thing Tarn had to worry about. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t as if they weren’t expected. Tarn had made sure to call ahead at the last possible second. Deathsaurus and his crew knew they were coming, but Tarn hadn’t given them a lot of time to come up with any countermeasures and had only stayed on the line long enough to make his demands and assurances and let them know what this meeting was about. Of course, he also made sure they wouldn’t shoot the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Peaceful Tyranny </span>
  </em>
  <span>as soon as they could and it seemed they were holding up that part of the deal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tesarus twitched and Kaon smacked him, the sound echoed in the quiet. Tarn glared at the two before shifting and glaring out the front windows. The shuttle bay was open for them and Tarn wasn’t sure what to expect, but so far it looked like Deathsaurus and his crew were going to at least listen to what Tarn had to say. He’d already explained this was business, specifically about making Megatron pay for turning his back on them and betraying him— every Decepticon. He’d also tacked on that anyone who helped would be removed from the list before hanging up. He hoped it would be enough to encourage the massive mech to listen to him. He really was </span>
  <em>
    <span>exactly </span>
  </em>
  <span>what Tarn was looking for in a commander, and he came with his own army already. Tarn really couldn’t wait any longer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Warworld was in chaos. Well, when wasn’t it in chaos? Deathsaurus hadn’t ever seen it in any other state really, but this was a whole new level of chaos. The DJD were on their way, practically on their front doorstep already and they didn’t have time. There had been no time to demand Tarn video call first, no time to arrange a staged meeting. The only good thing to come out of it was that Deathsaurus would be meeting them in the hanger. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lyzack was barking orders and had fluffed up all of her plating. Dez watched from his spot curled on the ridiculously sized throne in the command center, optics half-lidded and trying to hold in his yawn. He couldn’t think of any other way that this could be </span>
  <em>
    <span>more </span>
  </em>
  <span>in their favor. Sure, they had no time to work out their usual tricks, but Deathsaurus didn’t see that as a downside at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn was coming </span>
  <em>
    <span>to them</span>
  </em>
  <span> willingly. One way or another, Deathsaurus and his crew wouldn’t have to worry about the DJD after this. Either Tarn was being honest and they’d be joining up to hunt and kill Megatron and be free of the DJD or he wasn’t and the entirety of the DJD would be trapped on the Warworld for Dez and his mechs to kill. And he had the added bonus of not having to worry about another DJD being formed since Megatron was a traitor and no one else had stepped up to actually rule the Decepticons. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smirked and Lyzack froze, turning glaring red optics his way. “What do you have to be so smug about?” She snapped. Dez shrugged his wings and shifted to get more comfortable on the throne. He really needed to get a pillow on it for when he napped. “Now isn’t the time for napping! Get up! We have to figure out what to do when the DJD gets here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dez looked up and glared down his beak at her. “I’ll meet them in the hangar bay like planned. It’ll be fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The femme’s optic twitched worryingly and Dez sat up a bit more, leaning back while he was at it. “Looking like that?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deathsaurus didn’t like the way she said that. He looked over himself, swiveling his helm to cover his whole frame. “Like what? I’m clean. I’ll transform into my alt mode when we get there so Tarn can talk to my face. Mechs don’t know where to look when I’m in beast mode.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know </span>
  <em>
    <span>exactly </span>
  </em>
  <span>what I mean,” she hissed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dez rolled his optics and stood up, digging the talons on his forepaws into the edge of the throne to stretch like a cat. “I do, and one way or another, it won’t matter if they learn my secret. They’ll either be joining us or we’ll kill them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, the entirety of the crew was waiting for them in the hangar. Tarn was shocked for all of five kliks before he shook it all off. He didn’t see Deathsaurus, but something told him the massive mech was lying in wait somewhere, waiting for him and his team to disembark and step closer to the crew of the Warworld. Tarn threw his shoulders back and stood tall, using every trick he’d ever learned prewar in the Vosian operas to mask his nervousness behind a regal facade. He hoped it worked. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>felt </span>
  </em>
  <span>like it was working in his favor.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His own crew walked slowly behind him, Helex and Tesarus looming behind and Kaon and Vos flanked his sides. They were all jittery with nerves, but Tarn was pretty sure they were hiding their nerves rather well. Tarn’s optics darted around the room, looking for wide, white wings and golden arcs. Two matching mecha stepped forward in sync and Tarn wondered if they were related. He recognized the femme from when he’d called the Warworld earlier that day. He was pretty sure her name was Lyzack, but he wasn’t certain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You two are the Second and Third in Command, correct?” Tarn asked as they came to a stop. Tarn stopped walking as well and there was a decent-sized space between them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am Lyzack, and this is my twin, Leozack.” The femme began before her twin cut in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Deathsaurus is busy right now. You can either wait for him out here or in one of the meeting halls. He’d prefer the meeting hall.” Lyzack elbowed her twin hard in the gut and then smiled over at Tarn.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The meeting hall isn’t far, it’s just down one hallway and then the first door on the left. We use it for these types of meetings all the time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn nodded and shifted his weight. “I see. It is quite rude, however, for a Commander such as himself to not greet his guests in person and to hide out somewhere while he sends others to collect his guests.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both twins’ plating flared in aggression and Leozack puffed up. He looked about ready to start a shouting match with Tarn, Lyzack was getting close to that point too and Tarn wondered if maybe he’d overstepped, been too confident. He really needed to remember to not lecture mechs when he first met them, it was a really bad habit of his. Boisterous laughter interrupted them all, however, and Tarn looked up to the balcony on the far wall. The twins spun around, both yelling something at the mech hanging halfway over the railing and </span>
  <em>
    <span>grinning </span>
  </em>
  <span>down at Tarn.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn didn’t hear them. In fact, Tarn didn’t really hear anything but that laughter. His optics were locked on the massive beastformer leaning precariously over the railing. He’d seen images of Deathsaurus’ alt before, but pictures couldn’t prepare him for the real deal even if the mech was so far away that his frame looked small. Somehow, it felt like Deathsaurus filled the entire hanger with his presence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s been a long time since someone came aboard my ship and insulted me. I killed him, you know. The last upstart who thought he could teach me manners.” Tarn was very distracted by the gleam of fangs as Deathsaurus grinned at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s common courtesy.” Tarn snapped back without thought and just barely managed to not slap a servo over his mouth in mortification.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deathsaurus just laughed again and nearly lost his grip on the railing with how hard he was laughing. He righted himself, still wheezing a bit, and stood up tall. “Well, I guess it’s only </span>
  <em>
    <span>polite</span>
  </em>
  <span> of me if I come down there and greet you myself then.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn was nodding, getting prepared to respond when Deathsaurus launched himself from railing. He missed the way the twins shouted and barely kept himself from stumbling back. Deathsaurus flew quickly but somehow didn’t get any bigger as he got closer. Tarn was trying to figure out how that was possible when the beastformer hovered in the air between himself and the twins and transformed, landing with an anticlimactic and nearly silent </span>
  <em>
    <span>thud </span>
  </em>
  <span>on the decking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a pleasure to formally meet you, Tarn.” Deathsaurus purred, optics gleaming dangerously up at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn looked down and down further. He blinked slowly, processors trying and failing to comprehend what he was seeing. Deathsaurus was small-- no, he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>tiny</span>
  </em>
  <span>, even by minibot standards he was short. His flared wings barely reached the base of Tarn’s knee joint.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Tarn said dumbly and the mech’s grin turned predatory.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So let me get this straight,” Tarn began, eyeing the beastformer curled up and lounging on a pillow on the top of the conference table. “You’ve always been this size and your entire career has been based off of staging and lies.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And murder. Can’t forget that.” Deathsaurus said casually, kneading the pillow under his front talons.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right,” Tarn muttered. He still couldn’t comprehend it all. He was just glad Deathsaurus had agreed to talk to him privately after, well, after everything that had happened in the hanger. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I did all the things listed in my files, I just had someone, well, exaggerate my size a bit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A bit?” Tarn couldn’t help the slight edge of hysterics creeping into his voice as he looked at Deathsaurus’ frame. “You’re supposed to be taller and weigh more than I do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The beastformer shrugged. “So?” He paused and then grinned at Tarn, paws stilling over the pillow. “I do have to say though, I’ve never gotten that reaction before when I reveal myself. I’m honestly kinda flattered it was shocking enough to have the great leader of the DJD faint at my pedes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn blushed so hard behind his mask he thought he might actually catch fire. He sputtered a bit, trying to get his glossa to actually work as he tripped over his words. Deathsaurus chuckled, uncurling from his spot and stretching out his front legs, talons fully unsheathing to dig furrows on the tabletop. Lyzack would likely yell at him for that, but he enjoyed the way it made Tarn freeze up and stare.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s wrong, Tarn?” He purred, slowly stalking forward over the tabletop toward his prey. “Predacon got your glossa?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn could only stare into Deathsaurus’ optics when he paused a few inches away. He barely noticed how the beastformer had to lean up and stretch out his neck so their optics were on the same level. His spark was spinning too fast, processors moving too slow to keep up, and all he could think about was how </span>
  <em>
    <span>large </span>
  </em>
  <span>Deathsaurus’ presence was. The beastformer might have been small, but his presence was overpowering and made Tarn feel as small as he used to be before his frame upgrade.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” he managed to squeak out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dez cocked his helm to the side with a toothy grin. “Really? It sure sounds like it. I thought you were supposed to be a smooth talker, but here you are, barely able to get a few words out. Am I that impressive?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn watched Deathsaurus lean back and preen and there really was only one answer he could give. “Yes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn had the pleasure of watching Deathsaurus jerk back in shock, optics going wide for a klik before the narrowed and darkened. Without any warning, Deathsaurus launched himself at Tarn.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn flinched when sharp talons pricked his protoform, </span>
  <em>
    <span>again</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Can you stop that already?” He snapped, turning his helm to glare at the small beastformer resting on his shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deathsaurus grinned smugly at him. “Really, Tarn? Already in a foul mood after all of that? I must be losing my touch, my partners are usually too blissed out to complain afterward.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He blushed again at the reminder of their previous activities and also at the state they’d left the meeting room in. It really was a mess and Tarn had fretted over it until Deathsaurus had bullied him from the room with the promise of fuel, cuddling, and more interfacing. This time on an actual berth. He’d also thrown in that a cleaning drone would take care of everything. Tarn doubted that. They really had made a mess of everything after Deathsaurus had knocked him to the ground.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not complaining, your talons are sharp. You can claw up the treads, but not my protoform.” Tarn grumped at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deathsaurus curled his tail around Tarn’s throat lightly, flicking the tip against the mask’s cheek. “Fine, but I want this off when we do it next.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tarn blushed even harder and glared some more at his passenger. “Why? It’s not like you can see my face over my chest plating.” Tarn smirked at the glare that earned him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have my ways,” Dez grumbled, purposefully nicking Tarn’s protoform. “You can leave it on for a bit, I won’t be able to see much with my face buried in your valve anyways.”</span>
</p>
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